gathering my thoughts…..

We had such a good time on our vacation for a month. Also….it was less a vacation and more a trying to figure out if we should move to be closer to family. We spend a small fortune almost yearly to visit everyone we love in Virginia and Pennsylvania. We’ve got my oldest son living in Utah with his family and two teens to think about here….aah….decisions. Right at this moment, we’re pretty dang locked in to us moving. We’ve ran the numbers, talked to boys, let a few people know and hoping God is not simply laughing as we make plans. …..We have such a good life here in Utah but honestly, I hate not being there to help my parents, I hate not seeing my brother be this big pickleball champion or my nephew graduating, I hate not getting to hang out with Aileen or Shonna or Bonnie or Lexi and Donna, and on and on and on…watching the babies grow up…holidays…others achievements…celebrations, book clubs, loss, big things and little things …family. …..I hate that my boys are these incredible sportsmen and budding actor and the audience they have is small….. I’ve lived through a ton of ups and downs quite alone. I support everyone, my calendar is proof of this. I plan the things and execute the things and oy…… I….I….I….want to do what’s best for all of us. School is not done but do you let it be done here and risk boys not knowing family and simply wanting to be here because it’s familiar…my experience says this will happen…..or do you push past fears and make a commitment to say we can do this? We can create a new familiar. ……I’ve been told that I’ve always been quite brave and adventurous…bold…..and yet, I’m not young or naive….I am far from quick to execute something that affects everyone… I find that many people think they know me and they do not necessarily know me at all. I am no longer 17. I am most definitely much more independent and capable than many would imagine and even financially savvy. BUT, I’m actually much more or a worrier and carry more anxiety then many may imagine or care to know. My imagination can create so much doom…..beauty and awesomeness, of course……but oy, I can create massive drama in my mind that can sometimes be hard to shut off. Thank God that I have Mikey. Seriously, he’s my peace. He’s not perfect so I’ve got my faith for that but geez…I sure wish everyone had what we strive to be for each other. ….and oy, he’s already putting his resume out there… let’s all say big prayers and send pixie dust and love that he’d have something that he’d really love and enjoy….. He’s always loved his job but just as I’m itching for things, so is he.

We’ve been dreaming so much lately. It’s kind of nice. The boys are on board now and Mikey’s on board and I am on board too…. We’re trying to be as smart as possible on what we want…for us, for our future, for our immediate family and extended family. …What can we afford? What schools are around that are good? Is online school realistic for teenagers? What kind of sports programs are out there? How close are we to everyone? What would a typical week or month look like? SNOW? Oy, the snow is real. …how often will I see the babies? the cousins? my parents? our siblings? friends?? ……What can we afford with a new job? Will we still travel the way we’d like? Will we regret things when boys are grown? Will they hate us? Will we fly out T and his family yearly? Will they.want to? Will they want to move to be near us? What will medical look like? Cleveland Clinic? I’ve got life-taking allergies…Connor has possible surgeries….we’ve all got trusted doctors and dentists and nearby facilities…..do we live in fear of these things that are just a fact of our lives or do we figure it out and move in new directions? Do we want 1 acre or 50 acres? Can we afford that and is it something we want as we age? Is it something the boys will want as they get older? Do we define legacy as who we are being and what everyone remembers or leaving something behind for the next generation? ……SO MANY QUESTIONS. BUT!…we’re giving ourselves time. We’re also making lists….lots of lists…..we thank my uncle Bubba for that……the lists and decisions we make…they matter. We also wonder will the house be as awesome as what we’ve made with our Utah home? Will our friends ever visit? Will the video chats happen? I’ll miss them…..change is HARD.

This picture…..this gazebo…….almost 22 years ago….this is where Mikey and I decided to choose each other. We’re still choosing each other. We’re including some boys and an older son and his family as we make these decisions. We’re not perfect. We’ve made bad decsions before but oh my God, we’ve made some really good decisions too. …..pray we make another really good decision. Pray that we’re making good decisions for all of us. xo. …….with that, I’ll need to start blogging again! I’ll carry you all along this ride of daily boring stuff and daily awesomeness too…. and let you know as we lock in on our plans. xo. and hey, enjoy your 4th! 250 years is such a longer time than we can totally fathom and yet, in a worldly view, it’s a small amount of time so pray for 250 more years with peace and prosperity for all of our fellow Americans. We’re all so much more alike than different….. if you read along, thanks!!!! Enjoy today!!!